Archive for the ‘Tuesdays with Moron’ Category

Tuesdays With Moron – Home Opener Edition

April 14, 2009

Welcome to another Tuesdays w/Moron. We thought it would be OK to bring it back from the abyss, so, we’ll give it another run. Feel free to share (plus any story ideas are always welcome).

Ah, opening day. Not exactly opening day, that was last week. But, HOME opener, Seattle Mariners edition. Today is the day that the Junior Griffey fans have been waiting for since he was traded so many years ago. Sure, we had the welcome back Junior love-in when the Reds came here in ’07, but today is going to be much, much different. Prepare for a lot of #24 jerseys, standing ovations, and fathers pointing to their kids and telling stories about the shell of the ballplayer who used to dominate the game.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Junior. LOVED the idea to reacquire him and have been hoping for this day for many years. His whole rise in the wild 90’s, talk about a great time to be alive in Seattle. All the games we used to go to, and all those HR’s in that dingy basement of a ballpark. And that 1997 MVP season – .304, 56 HR, 147 RBI and gold-glove defense in center? As a non-steroid player in a juiced up era? That’s gotta be one of the greatest seasons in the history of the game for a center fielder.

But while the team has had an amazing opening week, sitting at 5-2 (best record in the AL??), he hasn’t done much. There was the opening day jack, and that was great! But otherwise it’s been a lot of walks, popups and groundouts, a mere 2-for-15 on the young season. He doesn’t look exactly dialed in or comfortable at the plate, and you can see the timing is just off a smidge. Maybe that happens when you reach age 39 and try to catch up to mid-90’s heat in the big leagues? But here’s hoping he can pick it up. Still awfully early to be discouraged about his slow start.

Or to be honest, it’s too early to have illusions of greatness for the ballclub. I’m giddy at the start, and the team has won some tough games, getting strong pitching and unbelievable defense (once Ichiro is back, and it’s an Endy Chavez-Franklin Gutierrez-Ichiro outfield? It may be the greatest Seattle outfield defense of all-time). Gutierrez especially, wow, that kid looks SPECIAL in center, doesn’t he? As Dave Niehaus screamed last week, this kid is “DEATH TO FLYING THINGS!”

But let’s see how they look in a month. It’s what, 1/24th of the season now in the books? A LONG marathon ahead. Every team, even the awfulest bunch of awfuls who ever awfuled, are capable of a good week here and there? But as long as they continue to get strong pitching and flash the amazing leather on defense, they could make things pretty interesting this summer.

Speaking of opening day, last week saw the rounds of all the first pitches and big-time national anthem performances. And when you have this many ceremonial first pitches, you are bound to see some awful ones, right? It’s just the sheer volume of the deal that virtually guarantees some awfulness. While I didn’t catch anything in particular, I was reminded about the unbelievable suckiness of one Carl Lewis. Yep, that Carl Lewis. Remember the gold medals and all that? That was great. But can the man throw a baseball? Uh, you decide….

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Carl, NO YOU DIDN’T! We expected more from an Olympic gold medalist!

But at least he…can…sing?

WOW. Again. Well, he at least he was really, really, REALLY FAST!

Moving on, the ShamWow guy? Really??

MMMM, Snuggie!

You’ve probably heard by now, but the ShamWow guy Vince Offer (or his real name, Vince Shlomi?)…yeah, he’s in a little hot water…like, I-beat-up-a-hooker trouble. It’s true. We will never condone violence against women around here, obviously. But wow, Vince, what a stupid move. Turns out he hired this prostitute, then failed to pay full price for services rendered. So she bit him, right in the mouth. You’d think with all that BIG ShamWow money and the way America loves celebrities that he could get some for free? Or at least a higher class lady of the evening, you know, who doesn’t bite you when you decide you aren’t going to pay for services rendered?

So THAT’s what it looks like when you get bit in the face by a hooker…..Got it.

And somewhere, this man’s heart grew three sizes the day of the ShamWow guy’s news…

TV Pitchman Billy Mays 1, TV Pitchman ShamWow Guy ZERO. The war continues.

Finally, feeling depressed? Feeling like nobody really “gets you”? Economy got you down in the dumps? Struggling with some sort of personal matter and just need a pick-me-up? Well, WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE:

All for just $24.95! HOORAY FOR YOU!


Tuesdays With Moron

February 17, 2009

Welcome to another week of mindless ramblings, otherwise known as Tuesdays With Moron. Last week went pretty well, so, we thought we’d try this again. So let’s see what’s up.

So how ’bout that UW? Now that EWU has officially been slapped with probation, did you know that UW coaches have started trolling for some of their talent? It’s true, per Benedict Bob at the Times via the Spokesman-Review. Based on official rules, since EWU is on probation, their seniors have the ability to transfer without penalty. Some of the players mentioned include standout WR Aaron Boyce, a player who exploded with 85 catches and over 1300 yards as a sophomore under none other than Paul Wulff. Boyce had a less productive junior year last year, but still is highly regarded as a WR with good size (6-2, 205) and excellent hands.

There hasn’t been anything about WSU pursuing players from EWU in this manner, and we can probably expect that nothing will happen there. The relationship might be strained enough as it is, but if WSU were to try and poach some of their players, that would basically kill the relationship altogether, as well as completely tarnishing Wulff’s legacy in the process. Not that it isn’t a bit tarnished as it is, but one would think the last thing Wulff would do right now is try and rip some EWU players out of Cheney.

So is that cool for UW to do this? I mean sure, the NCAA will allow it. And Sarkisian and company are ultra-aggressive in everything they do, so it’s not a surprise that they would try to do something like this.

But I think they might want to tread lightly before they raid EWU, don’t you? After all, UW is going to have to establish relationships in the state, not necessarily with other colleges but certainly with the high schools, high schools they aren’t exactly familiar with right now. How would it look if they went out and yanked some of EWU’s top players? How would EWU coaches handle that? EWU coaches who are ALREADY established with in-state high school coaches? Gee, I don’t know, but you think they just MIGHT bad-mouth the UW coaches for doing such a thing? Nah….OK, I know, MORE UW ranting? That’s it, I promise….

How about that crazy Octuplets Mom? You know, the one who wants to actually BE Angelina Jolie?

The single mom on assisted living, who oh by the way, already has six kids of her own? You can imagine the fun by adding EIGHT newborns to the mix. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea? Even Apu and Manjula thought it was a bad idea, and they “only” had eight of their own.

I love the line in that episode “eight misbehavin'”, where Apu wakes up from sleep after feeding the newborns to say “Oh, I had the most wonderful dream last night….where I died.” Eight babies, they’re Nahasapeemapetilon-TASTIC!

Looks like Junior Griffey will be making his decision today. After all the done deal reports last week, it seemed just like waiting for the Pebble Beach golf deal to wind up, then he would hit Peoria for a physical and become a Mariner. But not so fast. Turns out Atlanta was where he wanted to go all along, a place his Dad enjoyed back in the day, and even openly campaigning Chipper Jones and Bobby Cox last week as the place he wants to be.

Personally, can you blame him? An hour flight away from his home base, close to kids and family, spring training 20 minutes from his home in Orlando, etc. Sure he’ll have to play the field, which at this point in his career is a really bad idea for health issues, but the Braves sure look better than the M’s at this point. Not that the Braves are going to go out and win a ring, not with the Phillies and Mets in their same division, but he clearly has a better shot to win in ATL. The only thing the M’s have going for them is the nostalgia factor, but as one writer said over the weekend, the only thing familiar for Griffey and Seattle anymore is the Mariner Moose. Everyone and everything else has changed since he last roamed centerfield in the 90’s. I don’t blame the guy, at his stage of his career to want to play close to home. I just wish he wouldn’t have said what he did back in 2007, when the three-day love fest during his triumphant return climaxed with him saying he wanted to retire a Mariner. M’s fans (like me) haven’t been able to let that go. And closure from the whole messy divorce would have been a good thing. But what can you do? It’s called free agency for a reason, and he’s free to go play wherever he wants. And it looks like Atlanta is going to win his services.

So, the Evil Empire is looking for a bailout. Have you heard the spiraling, out of control costs of the next Death Star?? $15.6 Septillion!!?

The number is so big I don’t even know how to spell it. But it looks like this:

$15,602,022,489,829,821,422,840,226.94. WOW.

As Gizmodo points out, if you had that kind of money, instead of saving the world from the economic crisis, you could simply build the Death Star, blow up Earth and move on to invade the rest of the galaxy.

Anyway, the current Death Star situation has Darth Vader himself completely out of his mind. He’s been rambling incoherently about things that are way out of context, confusing everyone around him. Even the stress is wearing down the most evil sith lord of all-time. See for yourself (some NSFW-ish language):

That’s all I’ve got for today. Enjoy your Tuesday, and GO COUGS!

Tuesdays With Moron

February 10, 2009

Welcome to Tuesday, and a new feature around here – Tuesday’s With Moron. Basically a dot-dot-dot type ramblings, with a look around at things not necessarily WSU Football-Related. We need to step outside the box now and then, and it’s the off-season, so, what the hell.

Leading off…..A-Rod, seriously? Why? Ok, you are an A-class jackass who is phony as it gets, but you were headed to Cooperstown sans juice. AND you lied to the world on 60 Minutes in 2007. Now you admit it, but spin it as the reason you did so was because of the immense pressure of $252 million? Poor guy.

The deal with A-Rod is this – here’s a kid who immensely wants to be liked by everyone, incredibly insecure and one who says and does anything and everything to be LIKED. Even if he sounds phony and rehearsed, Eddie Haskell style. And if everyone was doing it in 2001-2003 down in hell’s exhaust pipe (Arlington), you can see a guy like that totally giving in to the peer pressure and go along with the rest of the crowd. Still, it doesn’t excuse what he did, and it certainly taints everything he has done from that point forward….if he did, in fact, ONLY start in 2001? How can we even know for sure when he started dabbling in PED’s? Should we just take his word for it and root on his pursuit of the HR title? Did he simply move on to HGH, where there still isn’t a 100% reliable testing program? Maybe he’s still on something? How can we believe anything he says about the issue?

Well, congrats on blowing your Hall shoo-in, fraudulent one. And welcome to Pete Rose’s living hell. But at least you have plenty of company (McGwire, Raffy P, Barry, Rocket, Canseco, etc). Curt Schilling is a blow-hard who loves to hear himself talk but he is right on here. Expose the rest of the 103 names on the list failed steroid test. They were supposed to remain anonymous, but what other choice is there now? If they leave things as they are, they will eventually come out and it will be ugly when it does. Otherwise, as Schilling says, they ALL live under the slimy cloud of suspicion, witch-hunt style. Might as well “come clean”, so to speak…..

Christian Bale is a hot piece of property where every thing he touches is going to hit the $100 million mark and T4 looks like it will be a huge hit this summer…..but he sure sounds like a colossal PRICK on that tape.

I loved him in Batman Begins and Dark Knight, and he was good in The Prestige, 3:10 to Yuma, and American Psycho. But wow, did he go off. The next Russell Crowe, perhaps, right down to the surly off-camera a-hole-ness?….

So how ’bout that stimulus package? Let’s hope it works. MORE pork please! Maybe they can pack in some Martin Stadium money for phase IV? Come on Barack!…

The UW money grab appears to be dying on the table in Oly, per the biggest jerk in the House, Frank Chopp. He said in a recent interview that the UW stadium is “no longer a priority”, where he’s even getting mixed signals from Mark Emmert himself. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY RECESSION!!…..Speaking of UW and dying on the table, so ends the brief mutt career of one Jim Michalzcik, as he’s decided the worst NFL job under the most insane, senile owner in pro sports is better than Montlake. The guy never lost a game in Seattle. But at least he was around to help Sarkisian sign the worst recruiting class in modern UW history. All for more money than Paul Wulff makes as head coach at WSU. Way to vet your choice there. And good luck Jim. We still love your Coug-ness, and you are now officially welcome to attend all WSU football functions and the like…..Tough times for UW huh? As BH boldly pointed out yesterday, let’s see….Sarkisian has:

1) Stolen USC’s Defensive Coordinator, and pissed off Pete Carroll in the process.
2) Went after SC recruits (and FAILED to turn them to purple-n-gold) and again, pissed off Pete Carroll in the process.
3) Went after UCLA’s Defensive Coordinator DeWayne Walker (and FAILED)
4) Stole CAL’s lead offensive coach…..making Jeff Tedford angry…..only to see him eject prematurely.
5) Offered Utah’s heralded WR coach and offensive mind a top spot, who takes it….then wakes up in the morning and says NEVER MIND!
6) Had a few recruiting violations and played dumb in the process…..even though he’s been a supposedly “big time recruiting force” in SoCal for many years?
7) Finally, tried to steal EVERY WSU verbal commit in-state, and went o-fer in that department.

Quite a start. And they haven’t even been blown out by LSU yet. Honeymoon is just about over…..

In the WSU universe, the Stanford game next fall has been moved to Thursday night. No blazing, blaring, official announcement yet…but check out the official Stanford schedule? Looks pretty clear doesn’t it? The question is, what network will host the game? FSN? Or maybe ESPN2? Rumors are out there that it could be nationally televised. Also a rumor to look for one more game to be moved later in the year to Thursday. Maybe on Halloween weekend against the team eternally dressed for that particular holiday?? We shall see….So should Tony roll with the kids or stick with vets to try and salvage this season? I am on the side of BH on this one. Play the kids or else face not only a disappointing post-season watching at home anyway, but a scary 2009-2010 season to boot….Have ya seen the guy pitching Sham-WOW? Wow is right, as in WOW are you ugly. That guy has a mug born for 3 AM infomercials. I heard the product is a complete fraud as well….So Chris Brown beat up the beautiful 19-year old sensation Rihanna!?!? WTF is that?

I recall Kevin Durant in a post-NBA draft interview saying his dream was to, well, you know….I won’t even say it….but Rihanna was prominently featured…..Larry Fitzgerald, enough already with the one-handed circus catches and game-changing TD’s. You’re great. We get it. Now please go back to sucking with the rest of the AZ Cardinals. Seahawk fans everywhere are ready for your to go away now….please……