Well, at the behest of you, the faithful, I thought it timely to give you all a brief synopsis of the Sutra-Biography.
Contrary to common reports that you might find on the various “internets,” not to mention other cosmic channels, my claim to cosmo-spiritual fame did not start in India. Instead, it ORIGINATED from my direct, non-vicarious experience as an international exchange student at Washington State University in the early 1980’s.
While my time in Pullman was quite fruitful in many ways, it also ended painfully for me in 1981 when I made my first fateful prediction on campus radio that the Cougars would lose the 1981 Apple Cup to the impure and untrue infidels at the University of Washington.
As a result of my fateful, distasteful, but nonetheless true prediction, I was subsequently banished from WSU and my beloved Phi Delta Theta fraternity to the State of Oregon for the next five years of my life.
(Trust me followers, you have no idea the pain of having to build your Puram in Oregon–oh the shame!).
In spite of my painful removal from the University and state that I love, I did not go quietly into the Cougar wilderness. Instead, through rigorous meditation and dancing techniques (You can check my moves out here), as well as some very creative salmonella poisoning techniques, I was able to get the Apple Cup for the following year moved from Spokane to Pullman for the first time in over a decade. And as we all know, the “Revenge in Red” game was the first step for me en route to a life of stardom, fame, fortune, and prosperity.
Here is a picture of me in my commune (we call it “the Pu ram”) after we ran out the clock on those pitiful Infidels in a 24-20 thriller in 82.
In the following months, I used my soothsayer, sports meditation abilities to successfully predict the outcomes of major sporting events throughout the world. This incredible five year winning streak included winning an additional 14 million dollars by correctly predicting another Cougar upset of the infidels in the 1983 Apple Cup. As a result of this Zen-prognosticalicaliphobic genius, I purchased cars, enjoyed the spoils and pleasantries of many women, and co-produced a made for TV movie biography of my own life that starred none other than my good friend Cheech Marin in the title role of me. Can you believe the likeness?
Once I became an international superstar and hero, I found it necessary in the subsequent years to retreat into relative obscurity by faking my own death. But before I doth feigned my own demise, I changed and then patented my own name and identity to “Osho.”
In case you don’t know, there are a variety of different definitions for “Osho.” One of them refers to Oceanic Purity. The other refers to Zen Mastery. But for me, the name has always been linked to Cougar Crimson.
And within, the official name on the still disputed United States patent is NOT “Osho” as widely reported. Instead, the name that I filed to be patented with the Federal Government of the United States of America and Bermuda is none other than: OSHO ROJO….
Have you all seen Mr. Nick “Don’t Call Me Tom” Daschel’s recent top 30 Pac-10 coaches of All-Time list? Sure seems to me that Tricky Nicky has spent way too much time away from the Pu ram. Among the questionable decisions made by Daschel was the decision to rate Mike Price number 17 on the list behind the likes of good, but hardly legendary, coaches like Dick Tomey, the late Bruce Snyder, John Cooper, and Jim Owens.
At the crux of Daschel’s decision to leave Price out of the top 10 was his overall record. But, I ask you, looking back at the “glory” days: How can you keep a guy who won TWO Pac-10 championships at a school that hadn’t been to a Rose Bowl since the 1930’s; who guided his team directly to two consecutive top 10 finishes and was indirectly responsible for a third; and whose program has gone DIRECTLY into the tank since his departure out of the Top 10? Moreover, how does Belotti’s ONE conference title and a slew of “7-1 starts to 7-6 finishes” qualify him for top 10 greatness over Price? And how about Erickson at number 9 with ONE good season with the Cougs (only the Aloha Bowl, remember) and a coat-tail job of Riley’s recruits in 2000 merit his inclusion in the Top 10 of ALL TIME?
If it’s up to Osho Rojo, slide Mike Riley up to the 7th spot, Price to numero OCHO, and move the rest of the fake pedal pushers back where they belong. Nick Daschel, I love your work, brother, but for your Top 30, I give you one measly (but nonetheless powerful) Carma Chameleon…..
How about our good friend, southpaw, and fellow-old-feathery-fart Jamie Moyer?
For those of you who missed it, Moyer threw a one hitter last week at the ripe old age of 146. The key to Moyer’s success?: a dazzling repertoire of 68mph change ups, 70mph curveballs, and that killer 81mph heater of his. (Did someone say, four Carma Chameleons for Moyer? I do.)
For the OR, Moyer epitomizes everything that is great about sports, and more importantly, everything that is great about being a Cougar. As Moyer shows, at all level of sports, you can be under-talented, under-sized, and underwhelming, but still be skilled and savvy enough to be successful on any given day and any given season. Hopefully, our Cougars will show more talent, moxie, and scheme this year than in years past.
More to the point: As you all know, the hallmark of all great Cougar teams is the ability to consistently overachieve (see Bennett ball teams for exhibit C-C). That said, I encourage you all to join me in a heartfelt Gayatri Mantra that we will soon stop our troubling tendency to overachieve on the injury front at the start of training camp each year.
With that in mind, may we all have peace in body and spirit as this important fortnight cometh for the Crimson Company. Until next time, I bid you all a pleasant “Coug-De-L’Amor.”