Tuesdays With Moron – Home Opener Edition

Welcome to another Tuesdays w/Moron. We thought it would be OK to bring it back from the abyss, so, we’ll give it another run. Feel free to share (plus any story ideas are always welcome).

Ah, opening day. Not exactly opening day, that was last week. But, HOME opener, Seattle Mariners edition. Today is the day that the Junior Griffey fans have been waiting for since he was traded so many years ago. Sure, we had the welcome back Junior love-in when the Reds came here in ’07, but today is going to be much, much different. Prepare for a lot of #24 jerseys, standing ovations, and fathers pointing to their kids and telling stories about the shell of the ballplayer who used to dominate the game.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Junior. LOVED the idea to reacquire him and have been hoping for this day for many years. His whole rise in the wild 90’s, talk about a great time to be alive in Seattle. All the games we used to go to, and all those HR’s in that dingy basement of a ballpark. And that 1997 MVP season – .304, 56 HR, 147 RBI and gold-glove defense in center? As a non-steroid player in a juiced up era? That’s gotta be one of the greatest seasons in the history of the game for a center fielder.

But while the team has had an amazing opening week, sitting at 5-2 (best record in the AL??), he hasn’t done much. There was the opening day jack, and that was great! But otherwise it’s been a lot of walks, popups and groundouts, a mere 2-for-15 on the young season. He doesn’t look exactly dialed in or comfortable at the plate, and you can see the timing is just off a smidge. Maybe that happens when you reach age 39 and try to catch up to mid-90’s heat in the big leagues? But here’s hoping he can pick it up. Still awfully early to be discouraged about his slow start.

Or to be honest, it’s too early to have illusions of greatness for the ballclub. I’m giddy at the start, and the team has won some tough games, getting strong pitching and unbelievable defense (once Ichiro is back, and it’s an Endy Chavez-Franklin Gutierrez-Ichiro outfield? It may be the greatest Seattle outfield defense of all-time). Gutierrez especially, wow, that kid looks SPECIAL in center, doesn’t he? As Dave Niehaus screamed last week, this kid is “DEATH TO FLYING THINGS!”

But let’s see how they look in a month. It’s what, 1/24th of the season now in the books? A LONG marathon ahead. Every team, even the awfulest bunch of awfuls who ever awfuled, are capable of a good week here and there? But as long as they continue to get strong pitching and flash the amazing leather on defense, they could make things pretty interesting this summer.

Speaking of opening day, last week saw the rounds of all the first pitches and big-time national anthem performances. And when you have this many ceremonial first pitches, you are bound to see some awful ones, right? It’s just the sheer volume of the deal that virtually guarantees some awfulness. While I didn’t catch anything in particular, I was reminded about the unbelievable suckiness of one Carl Lewis. Yep, that Carl Lewis. Remember the gold medals and all that? That was great. But can the man throw a baseball? Uh, you decide….

<img src="http://i41.tinypic.com/21dpnck.gif" alt="Image and video hosting by

Carl, NO YOU DIDN’T! We expected more from an Olympic gold medalist!

But at least he…can…sing?

WOW. Again. Well, he at least he was really, really, REALLY FAST!

Moving on, the ShamWow guy? Really??

MMMM, Snuggie!

You’ve probably heard by now, but the ShamWow guy Vince Offer (or his real name, Vince Shlomi?)…yeah, he’s in a little hot water…like, I-beat-up-a-hooker trouble. It’s true. We will never condone violence against women around here, obviously. But wow, Vince, what a stupid move. Turns out he hired this prostitute, then failed to pay full price for services rendered. So she bit him, right in the mouth. You’d think with all that BIG ShamWow money and the way America loves celebrities that he could get some for free? Or at least a higher class lady of the evening, you know, who doesn’t bite you when you decide you aren’t going to pay for services rendered?

So THAT’s what it looks like when you get bit in the face by a hooker…..Got it.

And somewhere, this man’s heart grew three sizes the day of the ShamWow guy’s news…

TV Pitchman Billy Mays 1, TV Pitchman ShamWow Guy ZERO. The war continues.

Finally, feeling depressed? Feeling like nobody really “gets you”? Economy got you down in the dumps? Struggling with some sort of personal matter and just need a pick-me-up? Well, WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE:

All for just $24.95! HOORAY FOR YOU!


9 Responses to “Tuesdays With Moron – Home Opener Edition”

  1. Stiffmiester Says:

    shag-OWWW! That is hilarious! From the prior post that’s great about Thames. Has anyone read the premium article from Jim Moore on Lobster? If you want a googd chuckle go read G02Guy where Moore is ripping on The Sark.

  2. Chris '04 Says:

    Speaking of a big pile of FAIL; Michael Willis got a DUI last night as reported by the Daily Evergreen. Reason why they pulled him over? He still hadn’t taken his studded tires off. FAIL.

    Aside from that, what the hell happened to my main man, Vince. He looks like Gary Busey.

  3. Sedihawk Says:

    ShawWow guy is the definition of epic fail. I love the thought of what might have been going through the mind of Billy Mays when he heard the news…other than “how much could I get if I sold my mother? How about if I threw in my sister? NOW HOW MUCH WOULD THEY PAY??”

    That’s a big pile of SUCK re: Willis. Damn. Someone posted that Pellum got arrested on Friday as well? The unity council has a full plate right now.

  4. ATLCoug Says:

    Maybe this has already been covered but I stumbled across a few weeks old article on CNNSI about the Pac 10. This nugget about USC QB situation caught my eye:

    “We all know Pete Carroll would prefer to still have Mark Sanchez under center, but Sanchez ignored his coach’s advice and declared for the NFL draft. But since this is USC, the cupboard isn’t exactly bare. This spring, Aaron Corp (Rivals.com’s No. 3 dual-threat quarterback in the class of 2007), Mitch Mustain (No. 2 quarterback in the class of 2006), Garrett Green (No. 6 dual-threat quarterback in the class of 2006) and Matt Barkley (No. 1 quarterback in the class of 2009) will all compete for the job. “

    What a stable to turn to. I thought losing Sanchez would guarantee at least 2 losses for USC (and it still might) but on paper they sure look OK!

    And the same article mentioned UW And WSU by stating, “hoping they both can combine for more than 2 wins this year” and then linked to the Lobster story where he was passed out in front of Pullman Police. Ouch.

    Here is the link


  5. '03CouveCoug Says:

    Oh, the Sham-Wow guy…lets not forget that he also sold the “Slap-Chop.”

    I know I shouldn’t make light of a woman being assulted, regardless of her profession. However, its ironic that one of Shamwow’s products involves the word slap…then he beats up a “lady of the night.” Do you think that prostitute “loved his nuts?”


    I’m sorry, I had to write it.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Good article ATL Coug. Also like how it mentions Sedihawk’s boy, Paul Wulff, and how he begins his second season of practice suspended for cheating. I hope that’s the last we see of that!

  7. sedihawk Says:

    ATL, the talent at SC is jaw-dropping, no matter the position. Contrast their QB situation to ours? Staggering. They will have multiple first-round picks this year (Sanchez & Maualuga, for sure) and that will just continue as long as Pete Caroll is there, and/or they stay out of NCAA trouble. It is what it is.

    Still hard to believe we are the last non-USC champion of the PAC-10!?! At least we can say we earned it though, beating SC head-to-head in '02. It wasn't like we lucked into it or were given something that wasn't deserved. But SC is out of control now….then again, Oregon State was a civil war victory away from toppling Troy, so, maybe it isn't as impossible as it seems?? A hell of a lot has to go your way though, namely beating them and hoping they lose at least one more conf game. I think other than USC, every PAC-10 team is going to lose at least 2 conference games every year. So to topple the champs, you better beat them.

    Anony, Wulff is "my boy"? Really? I admit to defending him and I believe in his approach to rebuilding a program that fell off the cliff. And his personal story is unbelievable as to the example of overcoming adversity. But he's not my "boy". I don't know the guy, I haven't ever met him, I've only been in the same room with him a couple of times. So he can't be my boy. I just have a point of view that he is doing things the right way, I believe his way is the right way, and I hope it all works out. If it doesn't, I will scream it from the top of Mt Rainier that I was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Believe me, I will not hesitate to admit that.

  8. Longball Says:

    Don’t feed the anonymous trolls, Hawk!

  9. sedihawk Says:

    Do’h! Too late!

    But we enable the anonymous to comment freely, so it’s part of the deal. UNLIKE OTHERS in the axis of evil (grippi), we will NEVER require people to register! We must keep alive the age of non-accountability! 🙂

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